


Nothing

by Aberial_63



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 16:20:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18391973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aberial_63/pseuds/Aberial_63
Summary: Magnus doesn't know who he is without his magic. Alec doesn't know how much his boyfriend is really suffering. A few glasses of whiskey, a fight, and a ring show just how true those statements are.





	Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: there is a scene that includes vomiting. It isn't highly graphic but it is there. If you are sensitive to it, I would recommend that you are careful when deciding if you want to read this fic

"You should get down to the Hunter's Moon."

 

"Maia," Alec says hesitantly, leaning forward in his chair with his phone gripped tight in his hand, "what's going on?"

 

He hears her sigh through the phone. Alec can imagine her now. She's probably nervously chewing her lip and wringing a bar rag in her hand. He can picture the worried gleam in her eyes and the tension in her jaw. 

 

"It's Magnus."

 

Alec feels a spark of panic prick in his chest and in an instant he is out of his chair and heading for the door. He should have known something was wrong when Magnus didn't show up for their dinner date. He grabs his jacket, the one he'd worn earlier that day when he'd gone to see his mother again about a very special piece of jewelry. 

 

"Is he safe?"

 

Another sigh.

 

"Is he safe? Yes. Is he okay? I don't think so. He's clearly been drinking and he just seems… really sad. I just came in to start my shift and I found him like this. Alec, I've never seen him this way. I don't know everything that's going on, but I know that he needs you."

 

"I'm on my way. I'll be there in ten minutes. Please, keep an eye on him."

 

"You know I will," Maia replies solemnly. 

 

Alec does know. He trusts Maia and he knows she cares about Magnus. She'll take care of him until Alec can. 

 

"Thank you, Maia. I'll see you soon."

 

.

 

Magnus doesn't belong here. 

 

He doesn't belong in a Downworld bar with vampires and seelies and werewolves and warlocks. He isn't one of them. Not anymore. 

 

Magnus doesn't belong here, but he doesn't have anywhere else to go. He can't go to the loft because that's not his home anymore. He can't go to the Institute where the pointed glares from the shadowhunters make it very clear he isn't welcome. He can't go to Catarina's apartment because he won't allow Madzie to see him like this. 

 

The Hunter's Moon is the only familiar place Magnus can think of with a semblance of comfort as well as an abundance of hard liquor. 

 

So this is where he came after a long day of searching for a new home that will never be really be  _ home.  _

 

Magnus swirls the remaining few drops of whiskey around the bottom of his glass. He watches the liquid through blurry vision and tries to remember how many drinks it took for him to get here. He thinks it might've been four. Maybe five. These remaining drops are the last he'll have tonight according to Maia, who had promptly cut him off after taking barely one look at him. He'd glared at her retreating back but quickly let his annoyance fizzle out. Magnus was too tired and too drunk to hold a grudge. 

 

He stares at the whiskey for another second before tipping the glass back and letting it slip past his lips. It's barely enough to taste, but Magnus will take what he can get. He needs it tonight. 

 

Maybe that last sip will be the one that finally erases the pain. Maybe he'll finally forget about his magic and the gaping hole it had left in his chest. Maybe he won't hate himself as much as he does right now. 

 

It isn't enough. Magnus isn't sure any amount of alcohol would ever be enough. That doesn't stop him from trying. 

 

There's a certain kind of heaviness that has surprised him. Magnus had lost his magic, lost something so spectacular, so cosmic, and yet he feels as if he has a new weight on his shoulders. It pushes him into the floor and every step feels like he has to wrench himself free from quicksand. He's always tired now, exhausted from just trying to exist. Magnus feels weak because he is. Without his magic, he isn't strong enough to keep himself moving. 

 

Magnus feels dark. He tries to grasp on to the things that used to make his heart light up, but he finds it more difficult every time he tries to hold on to the smiles that used to come so easily upon hearing an old favorite song or smelling the fall air or feeling Alec's kiss against his cheek. He wants to cling to the happiness these moments used to bring him, but it slips through his fingers. Magnus feels like a black hole has situated itself behind his ribs and sucks the color from his former joys.       

 

These feelings had been starting to creep in before the magic transplant, but had halted with Magnus' brief affair with Lorenzo's magic. For only a few days, Magnus felt like himself. But since losing his powers again, the feelings have only come back stronger with the fresh reminder of everything he is grieving— his magic, his worth, his light.  

 

Magnus feels like there's nothing left inside him. Just darkness. 

 

“Magnus.”

 

He looks up at the sound of the voice he'll never forget.

 

“Alexander,” Magnus slurs, his tongue heavy in his mouth.

 

Alec's brow furrows with concern as he slides into the booth across from Magnus. 

 

“What are you doing here, Magnus? I thought you were coming back to the Institute after looking for an apartment.”

 

Magnus remembers now that Alec had asked him this morning to meet for a special meal on the balcony. The guilt of forgetting aches in his chest. God, can't Magnus do anything right? 

 

“I needed a drink,” he responds simply. 

 

Alec raises his eyebrows. 

 

“Okay, maybe I needed five drinks,” Magnus admits.

 

Alec sighs and reaches out to tangle their fingers together. Only a brief second of warmth flickers in Magnus’ chest before finding its way into the black hole. 

 

“Talk to me, Magnus,” Alec implores gently. He squeezes Magnus’ hand in encouragement. 

 

And what is Magnus supposed to say? That he feels like he barely has the energy to breathe anymore? That he sees now how worthless he is, how absolutely unimportant he is to the world around him? That he's lost and he doesn't know how to find his way out of the pitch black pit he'd stumbled into? That he doesn't know why he is even alive if he isn't a warlock anymore?

 

“I'm fine,” is what he says instead. 

 

Alec shakes his head. 

 

“No, you aren't. I understand what you're going through. You don't need to hide from me.”

 

Magnus laughs bitterly. 

 

“How could you possibly understand? You have no idea what I'm going through. Not in the slightest.”

 

“Then tell me, Magnus,” Alec urges him. “I'm your partner and I want to understand so I can help you.”

 

_ There's nothing you can do,  _ Magnus wants to say.  _ I'm too broken. _

 

“I-” Magnus starts, but a sudden wave of nausea cuts him off. It seems the liquor has finally caught up to him.

 

He doesn't finish what he was going to say and instead stands up quickly. The sudden movement does nothing to help him and he has to lean on the table to find his balance. He doesn't spare another glance at his boyfriend before staggering towards bathroom. 

 

“Magnus!” Alec calls after him, but Magnus ignores him in favor of pushing through the door to the restroom. 

 

A few tipsy downworlders linger by the sinks, chatting and smiling. 

 

“Get out,” Magnus barks harshly at them. They grumble discontentedly in response, but they still obey. 

 

He stumbles into a stall and collapses in front of the toilet. Almost instantly, Magnus loses the contents of his stomach.

 

He hears someone enter the room but he barely processes it until the person enters his unlocked stall.

 

“Occupied,” Magnus groans between dry heaves. 

 

A warm hand lands on his back and rubs soothing patterns across his shoulders. 

 

“Hey,” Alec murmurs. “I'm here. You're okay. It's gonna be okay.”

 

Magnus nods and tries to focus on Alec's touch instead of the way his stomach turns. 

 

By the time he's fully worked through it, Magnus has a thin sheen of sweat over his whole body and his clothes cling to his damp skin. Hot tears burn against his eyelids and Magnus just barely manages to hold them back. He's shaky and his mouth tastes absolutely foul. The acidic flavor makes him cringe. His head still swims from the whiskey in his system and he isn't sure if he'll be able to get back on his feet. 

 

Magnus shifts so that he's sitting with his back against the stall and he's facing Alec, who is kneeling on the ground across from him. 

 

The worried expression on Alec's face makes Magnus feel incredibly small. He knows that isn't Alec's intention, but Magnus can't help but imagine how pathetic he seems in this moment. 

 

“Feeling better?” Alec asks.

 

Magnus just shrugs. They both know the answer is no. If anything, Magnus only feels worse now with the shame piling on top of his already crippling self-hatred. He is powerless; he has no magic and now he doesn't even have the strength to lift himself from this grimy bathroom floor. 

 

“Come on,” Alec says after a few minutes of deafening silence. “Let's get out of here.”

 

He stands and helps Magnus stand as well. He keeps a supportive arm around Magnus as they head out into the bar. 

 

Magnus feels eyes on him as they walk. Everyone knows what just happened. The formerly grand ex-High Warlock of Brooklyn just puked up his guts and now he looks like a walking corpse. Magnus can feel the pity rolling off of them in waves. It renews the sick feeling in his stomach. 

 

Magnus expects that Alec will guide them directly to the door but instead he leads him over to the bar. 

 

“I don't think more alcohol is a good idea, but I'm game if you are,” Magnus mumbles.

 

“Definitely no more alcohol,” Alec replies before waving Maia over. Magnus can't meet her eyes. “Maia, do you have gum?”

 

She grabs her bag from under the counter and rummages through it. 

 

“No gum, but I've got mints?”

 

“Perfect,” Alec responds and takes the little tin she offers to him. He shakes out a few mints before handing it back to her. Alec presses the little candies into Magnus’ palm.

 

It is such a small gesture but it means so much to Magnus. Alec is always so attentive, so responsive to what Magnus  needs. Magnus wishes he deserved it. 

 

“Thank you,” he says lowly to both Maia and Alec before putting the mints in his mouth.

 

“Have a good night, you two,” Maia says kindly before returning to her work.

 

Alec nods to her before finally leading Magnus out into the October air. 

 

Magnus hates how much he has to lean on his boyfriend just to stay standing, hates that he can't just portal them wherever they're going, hates that all he wants is not even to feel good but just to feel normal, to feel okay. 

 

Magnus starts to shiver with the combination of his thin silk shirt and the wind cooling the sweat on his skin. 

 

Alec doesn't say a word as he removes his jacket, though still being careful to hold on to Magnus, and arranges it over Magnus’ shoulders. His fingers are gentle and tender when they smooth the fabric before finding their way back down to Magnus’ waist. 

 

Magnus’ heart breaks a little more. He's not worth it, not worth all of the care that Alec offers so easily to him. He can't understand how Alec can look at him and think that he merits more than just a passing glance or a second thought. Magnus  _ knows _ he doesn't. He's nothing. He doesn't deserve all of the loving declarations or intimate acts of kindness or heartfelt promises of years and years to come that Alec provides.

 

“I'm sorry I ruined what was supposed to be a special night for us,” Magnus whispers into the breeze. 

 

Alec holds him a little tighter. 

 

“Don't be,” Alec says. “It's alright.”

 

Frustration rises in Magnus’ throat like bile. He's tired of Alec acting like this new version of Magnus is just as good as the old, like he's not the damaged disappointment that he actually is. 

 

“No, it's not,” Magnus argues. “You were planning something incredibly sweet and then I ditched you to go drink my problems away. I'm being awful and you don't have to be okay with it.”

 

Alec stops walking and looks down at him. 

 

“Hey, you are not awful. Not even a little bit. You're struggling right now and I don't blame you for faltering.”

 

“Well you should!” Magnus yells, pushing away from Alec. “I shouldn't be so fucking weak that I can't cope with losing my magic. I shouldn't be letting you down and abandoning you. I shouldn't be so desperate that I go to  _ Lorenzo Rey _ and beg for him to help me. I shouldn't be so defenseless that I can't defend Madzie from Iris. But I am. I am all of those things and it's all my fault and you  _ should  _ blame me.”

 

Alec looks horrified. 

 

“Magnus,  _ no.  _ You're not weak or defenseless without your magic or for having trouble coping with something unimaginable. You made an impossible decision to trade your magic to stop Lilith and no one is upset with you for what's come after. You were brave enough to make a sacrifice that no one expected you to make. Everyone is so grateful to you and we wouldn't dare blame you for what's happened since then when you have already done so much.”

 

Magnus turns away. He can't listen to Alec's reassurances when they feel like lies. 

 

Alec reaches out to grab his arm. 

 

“Hey, look at me,” Alec pleads. Magnus doesn't turn back around but he makes no effort to pull away either. 

 

“Magnus, you are the same man I fell in love with all of those months ago. You are still strong. You are still brave.  You are still kind and gentle and beautiful. You are still  _ you. _ ”

 

Magnus feels the tears well in his eyes. He can't do this. He can't stand here and listen to Alec say he's the same when he's been so irrevocably changed. 

 

“But I'm not!” Magnus shouts as he spins to meet Alec's gaze. “I'm not myself anymore, Alexander. I'm not the man you fell in love with because he would have remembered that we had plans tonight. He would believe you when you say all of these words about me. He wouldn't feel so empty when he looks at the possibility of a magicless future. He wouldn't take for granted all of the spectacular people in his life that care about him and only want to help him. He wouldn't feel like getting up in the morning drains all of his energy and he wouldn't dread every step he has to take. He wouldn't think dying might actually be an alternative to living without magic.”

 

“Magnus,” Alec breathes shakily. Tears are slowly running down his cheeks, just as they run down Magnus’ own face. Alec looks heartbroken. 

 

“I'm not him anymore,” Magnus says through a strangled half-sob. “I'm not the man you fell in love with. I'm not the High Warlock of Brooklyn. God, I'm not even a warlock at all. I'm nothing.”

 

Alec gasps. He seems utterly distraught at Magnus’ assessment of his own worth. Magnus doesn't try to comfort him and that's just another thing that's changed.

 

“That's not true,” Alec replies. “You're not nothing. Magnus, you're everything. You're everything to me and I can't stand hearing you say that.”

 

“I wish I could believe you and I’m sorry this hurts you, but it's the truth.”

 

Magnus can't do this anymore. He can't watch Alec cry or fight with him over something that Magnus knows he is right about. He can't listen to Alec telling him that he isn't a different person now. Hell, he can't even stand for much longer with the alcohol tipping his balance. 

 

“I have to go,” Magnus says before turning on his heel and staggering down the street. He successfully hails a passing cab and slides into it before Alec can catch up to him. 

 

Magnus tells the cabbie to take him to the nearest hotel. That's the only place he can think of that would welcome him now. 

 

Magnus hates that he's breaking Alec's heart, but he can't help it. He wishes he'd been strong enough to stay and talk to him without pushing him away, but his mind won't let him believe that he actually matters to anyone anymore, Alec included. 

 

The hotel is a little rundown, but Magnus doesn't have it in him to care. He's so tired and all he wants to do is go to sleep for at least a few hours, if not forever. 

 

He rushes through booking a room and he sees the wary way the woman at the desk eyes his smeared eyeliner and tear-stained cheeks. Magnus could snap at her for it but he understands why she is hesitant. He's a mess, inside and out. 

 

Magnus makes his way to his room. He doesn't bother to take his makeup off or shower to get rid of the sweat that sticks to his skin. He simply kicks off his shoes and falls into bed. 

 

It's only when he's laying down that he feels something prodding his side. He groans loudly because he just wants to pass into oblivion but he can't with whatever is causing his discomfort. Magnus sits up and finds that the annoyance is a lump in the pocket of Alec's jacket, the one he had so generously wrapped around Magnus earlier that night. Magnus reaches into the pocket and he freezes when he sees what he's pulled out. 

 

In his fingers he holds a blue velvet ring box. Magnus’ breath stutters as he forces himself to look inside. 

 

The Lightwood family ring. 

 

Magnus understands the weight that this ring holds. This was the ring Robert had given to Maryse when he'd proposed. To the Lightwoods, it represents coming together and family ties and, especially to Alec, it represents love. He hadn't even given it to Lydia when he'd proposed before their sham of a wedding. He could never love her so he hadn't asked for it.

 

But Alec has asked for it now. When he's with Magnus. That could only mean one thing. 

 

Alec wants to propose to Magnus. 

 

Suddenly, it all makes sense. The out-of-the-blue date. The fancy dinner. The view of the city. Alec was planning to ask Magnus to marry him tonight— and Magnus had ruined it. 

 

“Shit,” Magnus curses as he stares at the ring. 

 

Magnus is hit with a wave of longing that surprises him. He realizes how much he wants this. Even if he doesn't feel like himself and he still doesn't understand who he will have to be without his magic, he wants to marry Alec. He loves Alec more than anything and if he has to spend the rest of his mortal life with anyone in, it's him. 

 

Magnus pulls out his phone before he even has the chance to think about it. 

 

_ M: I'm at the hotel on the corner of Butler and 3rd. Room 210. I need to see you.  _

 

The response to his text is almost immediate.

 

_ A: I'm on my way. I love you, Magnus _

 

_ M: I love you too, Alexander.  _

 

Magnus feels a rush of relief that Alec is coming. It means Magnus hasn't pushed him away entirely and he can still fix what he screwed up tonight. 

 

Ten minutes later, Magnus hears a knock on his door. He jumps to his feet, ignoring the dizziness that the action causes. 

 

Magnus opens the door to find Alec standing there. He's panting and his cheeks are flushed. 

 

“Did you run here?” Magnus asks. 

 

Alec huffs out a brief laugh.

 

“Yeah. What's the point of having a speed rune if I don't use it, right?”

 

Magnus finds himself smiling slightly. Alec smiles back and that's what it takes for Magnus to drop his defenses and give in to the pull he feels towards him. Magnus pushes forward and pulls Alec into a crushing embrace. He relishes in the scent of Alec's skin and the way he holds on to Magnus with an equal amount of desperation. 

 

“I'm sorry for running off like that,” Magnus whispers into the crook of Alec's neck. 

 

“You need to stop saying sorry,” Alec responds as he kisses the side of Magnus’ head. “It's okay.”

 

Magnus forces himself to move back.

 

“Can we sit down and talk about something?” 

 

“Yes, of course,” Alec says with a nod. He steps fully into the room and follows Magnus to the bed. They sit down next to each other, their legs brushing just slightly. 

 

Magnus reaches into his pocket and removes the ring box. Alec's eyes go wide. 

 

“This probably isn't how you wanted me to find out, is it?”

 

“Not exactly,” Alec admits. 

 

“That's what I thought, but I found the ring in your jacket and here we are.”

 

“Here we are,” Alec repeats. He looks into Magnus’ eyes. There's something extremely vulnerable in his expression that makes Magnus’ heart twinge in his chest. “And how do you feel about it?”

 

“Alexander, I love you,” Magnus starts. “You know that. You're the best partner I ever could have asked for. You would be a great husband and I would be so unbelievably lucky to be able to marry you.”

 

Alec grimaces. “I'm sensing there's a 'but’ coming up in the next sentence.”

 

Magnus nods reluctantly. “I would be so happy as your husband, but I don't think I can say yes right now. I want you to know that I  _ want  _ to marry you. Alexander, you mean so much to me and I  _ want  _ a life with you for as long as you'll have me, but I don't know if I'm in a the right place mentally to accept your proposal. If we get engaged, I want it to to be when we're happy and we want to keep that happiness going. I don't want it now when I feel like one more change in my life may make my head explode and when I don't even know how to define myself as an individual, let alone as a husband.”

 

Alec entwines their fingers together. He is quiet for a few moments as he processes all that Magnus has just told him. 

 

“I understand,” he says eventually. 

 

“You do?” 

 

“Of course I do, Magnus. You are going through so much right now and I should've known you don't need one more thing to shift the ground beneath your feet. I wish I'd thought more about how losing your magic would affect you. Magnus, I'm so sorry I wasn't more sensitive to what you were dealing with. All I could think about was how I almost lost you and how I wanted to show you how important you are to me.”

 

“You didn't do anything wrong,” Magnus soothes. “I've been trying to keep you away from a lot of the dark things that go through my head these days. You couldn't have known how bad things were getting because I didn't tell you.”

 

Alec tightens his grip on Magnus’ hand. It's a familiar gesture that helps, if only a little, to ease the dull ache in his chest. 

 

“You can still tell me,” Alec says. “We can talk about it now, if you want. I'm here for you.”

 

Magnus smiles weakly. “I said most of it earlier and, frankly, I'm too tired and have had way too much to drink to get into it at the moment, but we will talk tomorrow, okay? I'll tell you everything, I promise.”

 

“Alright,” Alec replies. He seems satisfied with Magnus’ words and Magnus knows Alec will hold him to them. 

 

“For now, all I want to tell you is that I love you and that this isn't a rejection. I want you to ask me to marry you once I finally figure out where I stand with myself again. I'll say yes.”

 

Alec nods and leans in to kiss Magnus’ lips chastely. Magnus can feel the slight upturn of Alec's mouth against his. It makes something soft settle in his heart. 

 

“I can do that. Until then, please keep the ring. Besides the fact that there's no one else in the world I'd rather give it to, I want it to serve as a reminder that you are so incredibly loved and that no matter what you're facing or what your mind is telling you, there is someone out there who will always be in your corner to support you. I want it to remind you that you aren't alone, that I will always be by your side to tell you how important you are and how much you matter to the world around you.”

 

Magnus is overcome with emotion for a moment. He doesn't deserve Alec, but he's still so thankful for him and his grounding presence in Magnus’ life. 

 

“Why are you so good to me? ” Magnus asks in awe. 

 

“Because you're just as good to me. You have been with me during some of the hardest times in my life and you never once abandoned me when I needed you. You've been my rock and all I want is to be the same for you.”

 

The only way Magnus knows how to respond to that is by leaning into his lover's side and pressing a grateful kiss to his jaw. Magnus doesn't trust his voice at the moment, but this is enough. 

 

They stay close for the next few minutes until Magnus’ eyelids start to droop with exhaustion. Alec merely chuckles at how Magnus jerks himself awake when he realizes what's happening. Alec wordlessly helps Magnus out of his clothes and takes off his makeup before sliding into the bed beside him. 

 

And there, wrapped up in Alec's arms, Magnus knows that nothing has really been solved and most likely won't be solved for a long time, but now he's hopeful that, one day, he will be okay again. 


End file.
